BayState Parent - Finding a Balance
Date last updated: 2:52 pm Apr 21st, 2008
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She often finds their answers don't come easily. When the question includes those two tiny words - for fun - many people aren't sure what to say, Calcagno said. They're lives are so full of work or taking care of their children that they often don't have time or energy for their other interests.
Calcagno knows what it's like to be in that position. With a 14-year-old son to care for and a full-time business to run, the single mom doesn't find it easy to keep an even balance between work and her personal life. A few years ago, she turned to a life coach for help, and the success she had as a result kept her going back periodically since then.
"Anne [Jolles] helps me think of some things that will energize me," said Calcagno, a personal chef who runs Cuisine by Darlene in Hanover. "And then she helps me think of how we can get more of that into my life. It's all about having your whole life in balance - work, family, relationship, home, relationships with friends. It's sort of a global look at your life."
Returning to her life coach, now and then, has made a difference in aspects of Calcagno's life both personally and professionally.
During a recent campaign to increase her business clients, she recently signed on for three months of Jolles' coaching.
"It helps me stay on track," she said. "I'm making progress on doing something when before I was just thinking about it."
Getting Unstuck
Professional life coaches help their clients maximize their potential using the skills, resources, and creativity they already have.
"We look at what works in their life and help them make that grow," said Jolles, a Hanover resident, who operates Coaching Connections with her colleague Tracy Mindess, of Boxford.
Jolles and Mindess initially spend two to three hours with a client to talk in depth and figure out what makes the person feels most alive. Subsequent sessions are usually 30 minutes.
"In that half hour, you are our focus. It's luxurious to feel that we're only focusing on your needs and strengths," Jolles said.
Often clients come to them because they feel stuck in some aspect of their life and are unsure of their next step. Issues can relate to relationships, work, career, health, parenthood or any other aspect of life, she added.
Many Coaching Connections' clients give voice to concerns like these:
Is this all there is?
I feel really stuck.
Why I can't get out
of my own way?
What else is
out there for me?
Something is calling to me.
There's something
I need to change here.
"In parenting, lines get blurred between you and your children. You feel their pain; you feel their joy," Mindess said. "One of the things we help parents do is reclaim their identity. Their identity gets swallowed up."
Mindess said every parent comes with different issues to explore, but certain advice she finds herself offering again and again: Set boundaries; know what's important to you; and make time for yourself.
Yet, life coaching doesn't offer a magic formula for balancing the lives of busy parents.
"It's a dynamic process, unique to each individual," Jolles said. "It takes conscious effort and conscious thought to make choices to balance your life. Life balance means, if you pick something up, you're going to have to put something else down to stay balanced."
Voluntary Accountability
Every day, Randi Bussin counsels people who are struggling with workrelated issues. Some are out of work, some are making career changes, and some hate their jobs. Many are stressed, and Bussin tends to absorb their negative energy.
"Having a life coach helps me figure out what is important to me," said Bussin, a single Belmont mom with an 8-year-old daughter. "It helps me set boundaries - and set boundaries without feeling guilty about it. If I'm not taking care of myself, how can I take care of my daughter and my clients? I need to be healthy all the time, because it's a particularly draining field."
Bussin has worked with life coach Sharon Teitelbaum several times over the last few years, and now she's in the midst of a three-month program focusing on work-life balance. In addition to her usual job and family responsibilities, she is taking training and professional licensure courses in her field. With Teitelbaum as part of her support system, she hopes to be able to balance those courses with her needs for exercise and self-care. Her desire to set appropriate boundaries with her clients and with her daughter is ongoing.
"If you don't commit to a chunk of time, things don't happen," she said. Bussin says that Teitelbaum has worked with so many high-achieving women that she "knows the tricks." And that expertise is worth a lot in her book.
"I'm spending money to see Sharon, and you can bet that I'm taking actions steps in between our sessions," Bussin said. "Coaching is all about taking action and getting people to move. It does hold you accountable."
Parents who work with Teitelbaum often feel depleted and exhausted.
"They're putting their job, their children, their marriage and their home ahead of their own needs, and they get used up," Teitelbaum said. Comparing the long process of parenting to a marathon, she said, "They need nourishment and hydration for the long haul so they can be present in a healthy way for their families. People typically give it all away, and they may get away with it for a while, but at a certain point they'll hit a wall. They're stretched too thin and have ignored self-care for so long."
As a life coach, Teitelbaum gives her clients perspective on their lives and then helps them make changes. She believes that self-care is essential for every parent.
"And by self-care I don't mean a bubble bath and a pedicure," she said. "You need to get enough exercise and enough sleep. You need to be doing things that recharge your batteries, whether that's seeing friends, making art or music, reading novels, or whatever. That often requires a bit of negotiation in some part of life. You may have to let some things go or negotiate with someone.
"For many working parents, this means setting better boundaries around work - maybe saying, 'I can't have it for you by tomorrow, but I can have it by Wednesday.' Those are the things that create and protect personal boundaries."
Coaching Moms
Life coach Christine Gerzon, of Conscious and Creative Living in Concord, offers a style of coaching designed to help women find meaning and purpose in their lives. She describes it as spiritual but not religious.
"We all have a higher self we can tap into to help solve our problems," she said. "If we can get in touch with that self, we can calm down and see things more clearly."
While Gerzon acknowledges mothers who are working outside the home are often "torn between their work and their children," she also believes women at home with their children can benefit from life coaching. The loss of work and the isolation associated with being a stay-at-home parent can become difficult, Gerzon said.
"It's very demanding being with young children all day long. It feels like there's an I.V. in your arm and it's taking all the energy out. "Both need to find time for their own interests and their relationships with their husbands. Often being a couple takes a backseat to parenthood because parenthood is so demanding. Then the husband and wife get resentful of each other," she said.
A life coach, Gerzon said, can provide "a map, a compass, and the wisdom and experience to help you work through the emotions of sadness, anger, anxiety and untangle them, so you can concentrate on your priorities," she said. "It takes practice and commitment. But then you won't have the feeling of being stuck. It will actually become clearer."
Marguerite Paolino is an award-winning, Massachusetts-based freelance writer.
How To Find A Life Coach & Costs Involved With Consultations
For many, hiring a life coach is neither an inexpensive step, nor an easy choice.
The cost of personal coaching can range from $100 per month to $500 per month, although some coaches have group rates, workshops or retreats at lower rates. Some also offer, at reduced or no charge, online e-courses or newsletters.
But with such an investment of money, time and personal effort, it is important to research a coach before committing to a lengthy program.
Life coach Christine Gerzon, of Conscious and Creative Living in Concord, says it typically takes seven to 10 sessions for most of her clients to make the transition from feeling stuck to being confident that they can move forward.
Some of her clients leave an initial threehour meeting with the skills to handle their problem. Others work with her on a more regular basis. She points out that support groups can provide similar help for those who can't afford a life coach.
The International Coach Federation (ICF) Web site (www.coachfederation.org) offers listings of coaches throughout the U.S. and around the world. You can search by name, location, price, or expertise. Although some coaches prefer to meet in person, many will provide services over the phone, making location less important. Most offer a free half-hour consultation to potential clients, a service that can help ensure a good coach-client match. Since life coaching is a relatively new field, there is no required training or licensing.
Before hiring a coach, the ICF recommends asking these questions:
- What is your coaching experience?
- What is your coach training?
- Do you hold an ICF credential?
- Or are you enrolled in an ICF Accredited Training Program?
- What is your coaching specialty?
- What client areas do you most often work in?
- What specialized skills or experience do you bring to your coaching?
- What is your philosophy about coaching?
- What is your specific process for coaching?
- How are sessions conducted? How often?
- What are some coaching success stories? Ask for specific examples of individuals who have done well and ask how the coach added value.
Gerzon believes clients should go with their "gut feeling" when in comes to choosing a life coach.
"It's very important you find someone you feel like you have a rapport with, someone who has had experience with the issue you want to discuss," she said.
Clients should expect to build a relationship with their coaches, according to the Federation.
Determine what feels right in terms of the chemistry, during the preliminary session. Coaches are accustomed to being interviewed, and there is generally no charge for an introductory conversation of this type.
Look for stylistic similarities and differences between you and the coach. Think about how these might support your growth as an individual or the growth of your team
Discuss your goals for coaching within the context of the coach's specialty or the coach's preferred way of working with a individual or team
Talk with the coach about what to do if you ever feel things are not going well; make some agreements up front on how to handle questions or problems
Remember that coaching is a partnership, so be assertive about talking with the coach about anything that is of concern at any time
- Marguerite Paolino
Tips on How To Make Time For Yourself
Sharon Teitelbaum, a life coach based in Watertown, says it's not selfish to take care of yourself so you can stay nourished and hydrated for the marathon that parenting can be. It's essential.
She offers several strategies to help parents achieve better balance in their lives:
Take five minutes each day & stop rushing.
Sit quietly for five minutes, even if your mind races.
Make time for yourself once or twice a week to exercise, see a friend, go to the mall, read or do whatever nourishes you. "Just as you put your own oxygen mask on first on a plane, you need to care for yourself so you can be of service to others.
Notice and be intentional about what you say 'yes' and 'no' to, and know what the implications are. "A lot of people automatically say yes to everything and get themselves into trouble," she said. "They take on more than they can handle."
Knowing yourself & your own needs is important. "Your job is to make sure you don't burn out," she said. "No one is going to tell you you need to take time out or go see a friend or read a book. Only you know that and only you can make space for it."
-Marguerite Paolino